did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
Fire inspection over. Blunts are OK
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
My whole sorority girl exterior is just a lie. I'm a fat tumblr girl on the inside.
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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