if being creepy is wrong, then i don't want to be right
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
I puked off the balcony.
Not horrible
Into the hottub. There were six people in it. I had eaten all their pizza.
Stage 55 clinger. not a typo. I cannot even believe this shit.
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
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