his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
Our Icelandic basketball player brought cocaine and rachael is screaming that he should do lines off her stomach. It's that kind of party
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
Randomize
