My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
she was most def 27.5% uglier than a troll, but the sex was great
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
It is not a successful senior year unless you show up to campus without pants at least once, right?
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Randomize
