I'm in your bed right now
Okay meet you there give me 10
Don't think you can make me leave either
Give me ten I ha e to be ******'s wingman I want you
yeah I know. she is a stupid fat trailer trash bitchwhore and I hate her
but when she came up to me in the bar I had to be all like "OMG HEYYY how are you, I haven't seen you in foreverrrrr!!"
but for the record, yeah, I hope she gets mauled by a bear and dies
I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
what happens if a cat eats a birth control pill? i mean i don't care about the cat i really just don't want to get pregnant
I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
Randomize
