i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
Our host-mom was rubbing her back sympathetically going "muy bien, chica" while she puked on the beach. So yeah, I think we got the best one.
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
Randomize
