does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
Standing naked in my kitchen making nachos. I love my youth.
Randomize
