I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
of course! give me a few hours to recover from chugging a 4loko out of a frisbee, and it will be rage time yet again
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
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