On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
i'm pretty sure you said "blowjob marathon" lastnight
i totally said that
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
