just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
I need moral support for this bender
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
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