i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
Congratulations! We have a period
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Randomize
