no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
im glad to be known as "the girl you had sex with on a golf course"
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
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