Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
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