All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
i drunkenly decided i was going to take down all the male cheerleaders, gay or not. 1 down about 10 more to go.
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
if the future wants me to fuck him, then i guss i have to
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
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