News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
I've had a Margarita with salt, but I have to say I was impressed by the Stoli and Sprite rimmed with adderall
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
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