im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
It wasn't random sex though, it was almost a relationship, built on lies and sex
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
Randomize
