she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
Reading in my econ of energy textbook about the US' largest oil spill from the 1990's.. guess i can't sell this one back either
I walked into my room to see them crying, watching hey arnold, and passing a franzia box back and forth...
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
Oh and apparently something happened that was related to "THIS IS SPARTA" but no one will tell me what I did.
So I'm going to blame my boobs hurting on that.
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
Randomize
