Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
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I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
We found her on the balcony debating if it was easier to jump or throw up. Neither decision would not have been good for the 91 year old below us.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
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I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
LMAO. Stop. Men are such gentleman these days. I woke up with no one beside me and you got 6 cents
6 cents and no orgasm 💃🏻🎉
We are so blessed
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