Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
RIP Summer 2010. God knows it had to be one of us..
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
Randomize
