Well douche your snatch and let's go!
Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
I just love slightly exposed cleavage. Not too much to be whory but just enough to say "your kids will never go hungry"
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
Randomize
