Nice 2 c u showing ur bro some affection
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
I'm just saying. If this how my magic vagina shows it's magic then I don't want any
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
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