So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
well he is only 50 percent black.. but after last night i am 100 percent not going back
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
I'm high. The text bubbles floating do no justice to the underwater experiences
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Randomize
