I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
this must be what syphilis tastes like
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
Randomize
