im so bored in class... i just made a pie graph of my favorite bars and a bar graph of my favorite pies
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
Who topped off the "random beer mix" beer bong with a pinch of pepper?? All you could taste was busch and pepper...
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
Randomize
