i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
Sorry really high. We have no lighter so we're lighting the bowl with rolled up paper towels lit by candle which also lit with a rolled up paper towel that we lit with the stove eye
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
Randomize
