I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
i was just skypeing her and i saw the vagisil medicated wipes in the corner of her room. i'll be breaking this off tomorrow
He keeps asking where i got my clothes and accessories. i'm not sure if he wants to fuck me, or go shopping.
My RA just gave me tips on how to have discreet shower sex. Were we that loud?
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
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