i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
Yeah...you.wanna.hang.out.tomorrow?My.space.button.is.broken.
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
Randomize
