first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?
we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.
You can't motorboat a personality
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
Porch rule of tonight: when you sing, you must use "something" as a microphone. The person to use the most "creative" object gets the door prize...so far Stephie is winning with Jennifer's dog.
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.