his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
how do i word it so it doesnt sound like im asking him if he has ever been in jail.
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
Randomize
