I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
It smells like weed.
We are in Boulder, Everything smells like weed.
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
Yes stubble LOOKS hot but factor in his shitty bj skills and I might as well have jacked off with apricot scrub
Are you up yet? I really want to know if i tried sleeping in a field... i have the vaguest memory of trying to
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Randomize
