Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
The cops raided her house the day before class even started
Those assholes are becoming so efficient
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
I wonder if go pro can customize a cock ring so I don't have to hold the camera anymore
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Randomize
