Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
In theory, it seemed like it would work.
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
Randomize
