hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
last night I used snow as a chaser
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
So on a scale of 1-10 how mad would you be if I sent you a picture from the inside of a strip club
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
Randomize
