And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
Randomize
