I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize
