Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
We need to play Chardee MacDennis. Contact me when you have an available date. This is not a question.
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
You me handle of captain and a sorostitute study sesh, if we don't get laid mancards must be relinquished
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
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