Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
member when we used to take shits together before volleyball games?
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
