He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
Randomize
