Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
Like her Facebook page isn't even hers. It belongs to her tits. It's Titsbook
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
I just bumped into this random I hooked up with a few years ago at Steve's party. Talk about a fingerblast from the past!
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Randomize
