Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
Okay so as of now, we may either be coming for one night, two nights, or not at all this weekend. It depends on Laura's toe and if I get my period. Will explain later
Randomize
