when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
Randomize
