you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
He was from Iceland of course I didnt sleep with him, havent you seen Mighty Ducks 2???
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
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