I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
he calls himself the gay cupid because he matches two guys looking to hookup on craigstlist with each other. get me out of here. please.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
Your pictures have evolved a lot over the years but I think your angry dick pic phase was one of my favorites
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
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