Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
you had a pretty long talk with your shrooms in attempt to make them not give you a bad trip, it failed
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
oh i see... well this is a positive first step in you courting him for sex.
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