i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
Dude i dont know how people can complain that waterboarding is such a bad thing. I just sat through a fucking puddle of mudd show. Now thats torture
i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
Randomize
