Yeah and Nick is shooting his loaded 9mm in his backyard.
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
Randomize
