tweet Hawks Win!! tweet
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yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
i just realized i have an entire drawer dedicated to the clothes of guys ive shacked with...
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
all i need in life is blowjobs and white cheddar cheezits
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
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