If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Randomize
