Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
I threw up outside. Then I peed got off the toilet and threw up. While I threw up u pulled up my pants. Not my best moment
I think I just sharted jello shots
Randomize
