the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
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