So I just had this crazy idea, and no it has nothing to do with the fact that they made me take shots at work.
Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
5 am booty call.. And I went I need to gain better control of my vagina
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
So I just bought e from my sophomore home ec teacher. How's your weekend going?
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
My RA just sigh me high as fuck acting like a zombie and scratching at my door. Thoughts?
You've changed since you got that strap on
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
Randomize
