Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
well, I yelled "the tribe has spoken!" at a boatload of people and then I walked home alone in the pouring rain at 1:30am. karma really is a bitch, yo.
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
Girl you know I'm an advocate of debauchery but you might wanna check yoself.
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Randomize
