sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
any advancement on the stomach flu vs. pregnancy scare of '10?
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
I woke up smelling like chlorine with a broke toe. They know how to fucking party on lake lanier.
I feel like I got ass raped in the brain.
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
Randomize
