I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
Of course it may just be the context. A dish of dog food would look lovely next to your breasts.
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
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