I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
some dude is stoned out of his mind in my calc class. just shouted that the teacher was a genius cause he got rid of so many numbers
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
I just want to meet whoever runs the hall cameras
hahahaha I don't. Watch one day i'll be walking along and someone will stop me and say "oh you're that one girl who is out. of. control." But then they'd probably give me a high five.
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
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