Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
Pretty sure that Albanian broad gave me something last night. Now we play the waiting game.
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
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